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pregnancy update

It's a testament to the human spirit or sleepiness that Harvey stays napping after I leave his bed. It's a very little bed, with rails on either side, so I have to sort of slide out of his hug, leaving a giant depression that he immediately falls into. Then I sit up rather ungracefully, and if one of my hips doesn't go into spasm shaking the whole bed I still shake the thing rather violently getting half my body up and over the bed rail. Then one big hoist out of the thing and maybe I smack my back into the underside of the changing table making a big crash, like I did today.

True to form and to genetics I have gained almost 40 pounds so far in this pregnancy, with likely another 10 to go before due date. I'm not too broken up about the weight gain for my own sake; I lost 50 pounds in 5 months last time, so I'm not worried about that. It is, however, a bit tricky to be hauling that much frontage plus a 30-pound toddler up and down (and up and down and up and down) the stairs. Or to and from the car, or on and off the chairs... you get the idea. Then there's trying to sit for an hour reading to him on my ever-shrinking lap, with him sliding off and climbing back on every minute or so. It's an ever-changing dance. About every contortion I ask myself, "Can I do this? Will this break me?" The answer is usually yes, I can pick him up, I can carry him here or there, I can bend down to get that toy, as long as I no longer have to sit upright after 5pm.

Sometimes I worry that it was a selfish thing to do to get pregnant so soon. Not because of the new baby; I think that will be great fun for Harvey. But I do feel bad being halfway out of commission these days. I don't know if I remembered poorly what the last three months were like, or if it really is worse the second time. I remember the last month of my first pregnancy feeling like Get This Thing Out of Me, but I feel like that now: I'm in pain and exhausted and unable to breathe and I still have over 3 months to go.

It is a testament to the human spirit that I jumped in whole heartedly to having a baby again, even though I gained 50 pounds the first time, even though I hated the entire pregnancy, even thought the first few months of living with an infant were living hell. Somehow I'm looking forward to the spring and thinking excitedly about getting to know my second child. That's the thought that makes me smile, not losing the weight and being not nauseous and getting my rib-cage back. So yeah, human spirit or whatever. A testament to that. Or sleepiness.

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