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assistant manager is like vice president of the store

As a last resort in my ever more fatally depressing job search, i applied to manage a New Balance store opening up in the area. I didn't tell a lot of people about it, because i've been trying to convert my retail marketing experience to a different sort of job, one which might make my resume look better and perhaps lead me to a job i'm not embarassed in telling people at some point before i die. Why bother? I should just start wearing a MY NAME IS: HORRIBLE FAILURE tag, and be done with it.

Still, when i applied for the job my reasoning was sound: I've been in retail management for three years, and if i can't get a job as a retail manager i should shoot myself in the face.

Although they seemed very impressed with my interviewing personality, New Balance failed to call back until a full week after they said they would. During that week i went through various levels of self-loathing. I didn't get so far as cutting myself, but it's baithing suit season out there! "Hi Leah," the interviewer said when he finally called. "We offered the manager position to someone else, and he accepted, but we'd like to ask you to be an assistant manager." This is kind of like saying: We don't think you're pretty enough to be a prostitute, but we have this other job that's cleaning up after the prostitutes? and we think you'd be perfect for that.

What is infinitely more sad is that this is the only job i've been offered since i declined to be a jewelry store manager again. This is after four interviews and several hundred resumes sent out. We are poor, Rascal needs his anal sacks squeezed, and Dan needs health insurance if he's ever to go to grad school. Someone better shut up about having bigger potential, suck it up, and start slapping those shoes on old women with orthopedic problems. And when my classmates ask me what i do for a living, i'll say that i'm a full-release massage sanitation consultant.

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