Motivational sayings
Of all the wonderful words of wisdom i have learned from MTV over the years, my all-time favorite comes from an episode of MTV's MADE. Our unlikely pagent queen is facing the horrors of the Mystic Tan machinge, and her role-model elequantly coaches:
"Beauty is pain, and pain is weakness leaving the body!"
I love the hilarious and ironic pairing of these two sayings, so nonsensical and yet so true. After all, beauty IS pain, as anyone who has ever attempted to use a curling iron will know. Pain is weakness leaving the body is a bit more debatable, because muscle soreness after a hard workout sure does tell you that you're getting stronger, but anyone who has broken a bone will tell you that, on the ride to the hospital, pain is weakness ENTERING the body.
Still, while some beauty does infact make women weaker (foot binding and Botox for example), a little blow-dry and eye-shadow will only make one stronger in the business world. And when you're aching hard after Group Power class, a little self-coaching that this pain will make me beautiful and strong is not a terrible thing.
Anyway, I guess this little gem of wisdom managed to made it into my lexecon, at least enough to rub off on my spouse. When i complain about my hunger on this new diet, Dan says, "Hunger is fatness leaving the body."
This morning during my spin class the fans were non-operational and us three soldiers who managed to make it in at 6am were sweating like hogs. I mentioned to the woman next to me that "Sweat is calories leaving the body," and she replied, "I sure as s--- hopes so!"
gellin' like Van Hellin'
Yesterday, at my mother's prodding, i succumbed to the newest beauty trend and got myself a set of "gel nails." My mother has been raving about her set, since she can't manage to make her own nails grow longer than negative infinity. My mother got a set of acrylic tips last year before my wedding, and from that moment on she was freakin hooked. However, the glue ruined her nail beds and for six months she was viciously searching for a better alternative. Then at the salon she heard about gel nails. They don't ruin your nail beds and they stay shiny forever. My mother would not stop talking about gel nails. She called every nail salon in Massachusetts. All 569 of them.
Personally, I have manged to keep my natural nails long for most of my life through the ancient chinese secret of FILING AND PAINTING THEM LIKE EVERY FREAKIN DAY. Since i got to business school, however, i felt that this suddenly wasn't enough. Every woman had perfectly manicured hands at all times, some secret code of the business world i guess, akin to the meaning of "methodology" and "synergy." Weekly manicures started taking a lot of my time, and i put all my interviewing stress into mani- pedi- maintenance. So when my mom got her new gels and started raving, i had to take the plunge too. There HAD to be a better way.
My mother made an appointment for me with Krystal, the only nail-tech in the baystate area who seems to know what she's doing with the new "procedure." Her office is atop our hair salon, and when we arrived for our 9:00 appointment someone was already waiting for the 10:00. She's THAT in demand. My mother was booking ahead to September, and whole days were already filled up with clients. I swear, if i had to wait that long to get my bikini waxed, i might become a Bush supporter!
Krystal started by taking off my nailpolish and buffing my nails. "Is this the first time you've had something permanent on your nails?" she aksed.
OMG, yes! i thought. I am a fake nail virgin! Suddenly i wanted her to go slower so i could stop and think about this. Can i really commit to fake nails? Am i really ready for this step?
Thankfully, my natural nails were long enough to avoid applying the plastic tips and just cover the real nails with a lovely gel finish. When she asked how i like my french manicure, soft pink or bright white, i said "Go for the hooker white." If i'm in, i'm all in baby!
After only an hour, my transformation was complete. My beautiful gel nails are shiny, hard as rock, perma-french, and shouldn't come off for at least six months. Seriously, it's all i can do not to wonder at their beautiful plasticity all day. I can open jars and peel out credit cards. And i only feel a little dirty, like i'm cheating mother nature. Because after all, it's a slippery slope of fakeness. Next may be collagen injections. And eyeliner tatoos. And... weight-watchers ice-cream.