I haven't been writing in the blog very much recently. Now that i'm home and unemployed and generally not doing very much, i don't have anything interesting to report. Since i've been home, i have been amazed at how much Dan works on his client's websites. I thought we would do fun things together, like go on hikes or day trips, but mostly he works all the time. He's at the computer pretty much all day without stopping. Now i feel bad for ever chastising him that the house was a mess.
I should be looking for jobs and/or figuring out what i'm going to be doing with my life for the next few years. When you have been depressed about your job for the past three years, this is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes i feel excited that i'm not breaking my back over a job i hated. Sometimes i feel lazy and very very useless. I do all my homework, but it's not that much, and it's not that hard. It was hard when i was working 50 hours. Now that it's all that i do, i'm done with my reading every day by 10am.
I've been sleeping later. When i don't have class, i stay in the house all day. I quit the gym because it was too expensive, but now i don't have anywhere to go. My entire life stretches out in front of me for years and years that my mind fills with blank nothingness. I find it impossible to imagine any career that would make me happy. I find it hard to imagine a successful life. I wish i had something to do with my time. I do my homework, i check my e-mail, i send out resumes. I try not to spend too much time thinking about my own death, but there are a lot of hours in a day.
For years i have complained that i never got a vacation. "I've worked from the second i got out of college," i moaned, "With not one break, not one second to reevaluate if this is what i really want to do with my life." Now i do have a break, and the opportunity for self-reflection is mine. What is the essence of Leah, the person? I thought i would use my supreme intillect to reason the problem out. I will do something amazing with my life, if i only have a minute to sit and think about it! But that was a load of bull-crap. Who is Leah really now? A lazy pajama-clad fatty checking her e-mail at noon, eating peanut-butter straight out of the jar? A number in the computer at the unemployment office? A washed-up shop-girl?
Either i will take more classes, or i will get a job, or i will go insane. All three seem possibilities with equal weight at this moment.