eating saltines for fun and someone's profit

Folks have asked me recently whether we're trying for another baby, and I guess that yes, we're trying a little bit, if your definition of trying involves having sex x number of times where x > 0.

Look, we took a loooong break. I know there are women who get right back to it 6 weeks after delivering, and I have no way to explain the anomaly, other than to say that those women are porn stars. Porn stars who probably like it up the butt. Normal people don't have sex after the birth of their child. They direct all their caring nurturing energy to their precious perfect baby, and once a month dole out a stray HJ with the same gusto as cleaning around the toilet. Until it's time to think about another perfect precious baby, when they'll entertain a consort briefly, only on the 14th of the month, and only as if they're sitting through some sort of unpleasant medical procedure.

So yeah. We just started trying, but with a laziness that prioritizes many things in front of child-bearing, like folding laundry and sleeping and reading crap on the internet.

So that's the context in which I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I was tired and nausious and didn't want to eat, but then after I ate I felt better. Also crampy. And over-emotional. Either I'm pregnant, or I have PMS plus the flu.

The soonest that a pregnancy test might tell me that my nausea will persist until fall is Sunday, three days away, although a false negative could persist on a test until the following weekend. It's a tricky business, because you want to start swallowing horse-sized vitamins as soon as possible, but those tests are like gold-laden pee sticks how expensive they are. I went to pick up a package at Stop and Shop this morning, and in addition to being smacked with sticker shock (THIRTEEN DOLLARS FOR TWO???) I was surprised to find the First-Responce box encased in a larger plastic cube, like an antique display Barbie. The cashier removed it at the check-out and I said to her "That's the most well protected pregnancy test I've ever seen!"

"We see more people steal pregnancy tests than anything else. You know what, I think they're embarassed. They don't want to run into their mom in the check-out line behind them."

"And they're really expensive!" I added.

"The second most stolen item is Preperation H. That only costs 2.50, but when you put that on the belt we all nod and say 'We know...'"

I hear that there's a cheaper way to tell if you're pregnant, something that involves waiting a week and a half to see if you get your period. But where's the market stimulus in that?

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feeling like a VIP

A work colleague left in April and for reasons of customer service I started to get her mail forwarded to my inbox. She lives in a particularly posh section of Long Island, and one of her e-mail newsletter subscriptions is something called the "VIP Clubber." Every day an email about some New York night-club comes into my inbox, and I've been deleting them up until yesterday, when I was so bored in a meeting that I started perusing the text and realized it was comedic gold! If you get a kick of making fun of the neuveau riche, then this is for you. Check out this email copy. I've bolded the things I take to be "laugh lines."

Subject: New Status Thursdays at 46Lounge Arabian Nights Theme Party

Description:
46 Lounge: Martini Bar Wine Bar Tapas Menu Eclectic Dining Lounge Nightclub Tropical Outdoor Patio. 46 Lounge is an ultra-chic lounge with flavors of Manhattan, Miami and Los Angeles packed into one exciting venue. With trendy Contemporary Design featuring Italian Metallic Tile, Brazilian Cherry Dance Floor, Posh VIP Area with Custom Lighting, Granite, Slate and Steel Bathrooms and 3 Designer Martini & Wine Bars, 46 Lounge is the most upscale & hip bar/restaurant/nightclub outside of Manhattan.

Drink Specials:
- $150 Bottles of Ketel One All Night
- $80 Bottles of Nuvo
- $5 Frozen Drinks
- $3 Corona & Heineken & Well Drinks till 11PM
- 1/2 price specialty drinks till 11PM
- $3 Drinks & $5 Martini till 11PM

Music by:
Dj David S along with Todd George, Joey C and Joe Giorgio

More Specials:
Hookahs, Belly Dancers, Henna Tattoos, Free BBQ on Patio.
Coconut palm trees, Cabanas, Tiki-bar, White drapery & Frozen drinks including our NEW Call-A-Cab & Miami Vice

Door Policy:
Doors open at 6pm; Must be 21+.
Dresscode: sexy and casual, we do reserve the right to be selective.
Guest lists closes at Midnight. Open till 3am.

Today's email brings me news of SoHo's first eco-friendly nightlife destination with transparent ceiling fixture comprised of over 5,000 individually hung crystals designed to emulate a rolling landscape. How could you not want to go? But be careful; Dress is Grown and Sexy, and they reserve the right to be selective.

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