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the heavyweight champion of the world

Tonight we completed our first midwife appointment in over a month, and it would be an understatement to say that I had been completely panicked in anticipation. Mostly I was afraid that my pace of weight gain would get me in trouble with Rebecca, a very even-tempered woman who has never gotten anyone "in trouble" in her life, but who is nevertheless my judge and jury in the realm of parental fitness. At the beginning of the pregnancy, she told me to expect to gain between 30 and 35 lbs total. Of course I balked, thinking how athletic and conscientious I am. Yeah right, I said, Im going to skate by with only 28lbs, you just watch!

That was 6 months ago. Currently, with about three months and one week to go I have already gained 32 pounds. And its not like you gain enough weight and ding it stops! Most likely Ill rack up 40-45 pound by the end of this thing, and really no one will be surprised if its 50. Yes, as I have sunk to the depths of pregnancy I swear that I will never judge a fat person again. I know what it takes to gain 50 pounds in ten months. All it takes is working ten feet from a fridge.

On the flip side, I have had many friends and casual onlookers comment that I dont look so fat because "Its all baby!" True, my body does have the appearance of a normal human with an inflated belly, making it look like Im a contestant in some extreme pregnancy competition. "Are you sure theres only one baby in there?" some actual Christians have asked me. This had the dual effect of making me feel better about my weight gain and making me petrified that we are delivering the incredible hulk.

But good news! Tonight we learned that the baby isnt fat; I am! The baby is a very normal two pounds, and all the extra padding you see up front is just demonstrative of the fact that I store any extra weight in my belly, instead of for example in a sexy pair of lady lumps. The baby has very wisely taken the food it needed and declined the rest. See, its already smarter then me. Thats evolutionary progress.

Also, all my vitals are normal, the baby has a strong heart beat, and I learned that at this point in the pregnancy its okay for me to have one alcoholic drink a week. So yeah, its been a good day.

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