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Truly fat people, get ready to be offended

Privately to friends, and also publically and in the media, i have long criticized the Atkins diet. I have always held the belief that a low-carb diet is 1) dangerous for dieters, 2) irritating to hear about on TV, and 3) irritating to hear people talk about. I mean how much can you really listen to people say: "Wah, wah, low carb is so much agony! All i want is a bagel!" My mental response is two-fold: 1) whiners have no self-control, and that's why you're fat, and 2) Go freakin' eat a bagel, alright? You're not fat because of one bagels; you're fat because of the three million pounds of crap you put in your body all day while you watch TV. Stop fad dieting, get off your ass, and go to the gym, already! Geez!

Anyway, this was all before i became a ridiculous fitness addict and started running every day and lifting weights four times a week and doing yoga iat 6 in the morning and jumping jacks in my sleep and God knows what else. You'd think that running 6 miles in under 50 minutes, and squatting 300lbs (which i did this morning-- hooray!) and locking out in standing split and all this BS would make me a pretty trim and slim person, right? Well, the truth is that my huge rippling muscles, so meticulously stretched and strengthened, persisted in being hidden (caged if you will) under a layer of cute, puffy, juggly fat. What gives? i ask, after my million-and-one-th sit up of the day. I know i'm way fit and strong, but my body looks like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. WTF?

Well, two weeks ago i crunched some numbers, some very embarassing numbers. It turned out that my daily caloric intake, although proportionate to my level of activiny, was made up of about 10 percent protein, 5 percent fat, and 85 percent CARBS!!!!! Despite my protein shake in the morning, there they were rearing their ugly heads at me: carbs carbs carbs carbs, flooding my blood stream with sugar, turning into fat as soon as i ever sit down. Yup, it was painfully obvious: miss America does not live on bread alone, and neither can i if i ever want to breath in my corset come September.

So i embarked upon a quest: eat a target of 125grams of protein a day, 125g of carbs, and 28g of fat. This isn't even a low-carb diet! it's like a normal, healthy person, why should this be so hard, diet! Not calorie restrictive, not fun restrictive, should be easy to stay full and happy and normal!

Well, i have a message for everyone who i made fun of in the past: i am soooo sorry. You were way not kidding. Eatting fewer carbs is freakin agony. I could kill now for a freakin bagel. Oh my goodness, all i think about now is noodles. Noodles in peanut sauce. Noodles in sweet and sour sauce. Noodles plain with just a little bit of margerine. Noodles raw straight out of the packet...

Only one week and a half on a lowered carb diet and i think i just might kill myself before i can ever flex a bicep to my satisfaction.

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