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Proverbs 31, a more current interpretation

A wife of noble character who can find?
Seriously, who can find anybody of noble character anymore? At this point, I'd be happy with a playdate friend who doesn't introduce my children to Disney characters they've never seen.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
As long as he doesn't read on Facebook that she just dropped the coffee pot in the sink. Again.

During appropriate daylight hours when it looks like homesteading. And not at three in the morning when it looks like a slow descent into madness.

She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
Except not too far because that goes against our core values.

She gets up while it is still night;
(Yeah, no shit)
she provides food for her family
(If by 'provides' you mean 'nursing the baby while the rest of my family eats cheerios')
and portions for her female servants.
(wait a second, what?)

She considers a field it looks really pretty. Stunningly beautiful in fact. She stands there in mesmerized awe, the kind that can only be triggered by extreme physical exhaustion.

She sets about her work vigorously when her work is making coffee.
Her arms are strong from pushups because she's trying to be her own person for like five minutes a day dammit.

She sees that her trading is profitable when it involves trading snacks for getting little kids into the car.

Her lamp does not go out at night because she's researching purchases on

She extends her hands to the needy and then makes sure everyone uses hand sanitizer.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household
because she just want to BJs and there are A LOT of groceries in the pantry.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
"Many women do noble things, but this meatloaf is really good. Kids, I don't know why you don't like it, it's not at all spicy. You know what I was just thinking about your mother? I was thinking: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting" (Hey! Wait a minute!) "But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

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