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This month, chaos descended upon my life. No, i'm not speaking of losing my job or starting grad school, it's something much more terrible than that. This month, when i was least prepared for it, the New-Years-Revolutionists attacked my gym.

You know them when you see them coming: huge T-shirt-wearing, heaping with sweat, shifting weight from foot to foot in the middle of the room as if signaling, "i might take this machine or i might take this one, but i might against all rules of politeness hurtle myself in your direction and the machine you're about to get on." These hopeless behemoths, one usually sees one or two year-round, but this month the gym is absolutely overrun with uninitiates. Their frantic efforts towards personal embetterment, though valiant, leave us more dedicated fitnessists battling for space and machines and a mat not covered in McDonalds-smelling sweat. I'm sorry, but 30 minutes walking on the treadmill does not equal the snickers i saw you popping on the way in. Leave that treadmill for someone who needs to run. Also, you can't do crunches with a belly that huge. You're just going to hurt yourself... and you're hurting us watching you.

They're there every hour of the day! I try to get a quiet moment around 8pm, but that's just when the next wave comes, after a solid Taco-Bell dinner apparently. If one more huge man gets on a machine next to me only to start farting, i believe i'm entitled to deploy wedgie. I'm sorry, but you're fat. Really really fat. You don't need to steal my stepper machine. You need a complete life overhaul anti-fatass makeover. But please start somewhere else. Downwind.

While i don't like to watch fatasses in the gym, i DO like to watch them on TV where i can make fun of them in the privacy of my own home. Last night after a three-hour pushing-people-out-of-the-way gym session, i settled in to watch "The biggest loser" on NBC. Yikes those people are fat! Dan and i put together weighed less than each of them. Apparently when you're fat you cry a lot, even the guys. I'd make a good personal trainer/life coach; i'd be like, "Cowboy up fatty!" Yeah, the clients would love me!

Also on The Biggest Loser engaged-couples edition, the fat contestants were offered the chance to eat 20 pieces of cake to win $10,000 in wedding jewelry... all you had to do was find the jewelry hidden in the cake, and it's yours. As easy as a, dare i say it, piece of cake? Just break your diet for an evening. They all turned it down. "Nope, i want to win the weigh in, which is coming up soon, you know, more than a week away." What????? 20 pieces of cake for 10 grand? You think you can't metabolize that in 7 days? Just take an extra evening session on the elliptical; what else are you doin over there at the Loser ranch? Even Dan said he would induce vomiting for 10 thousand dollars. I just couldn't believe it. If Dan and i were on that show, we would have been all over that cake.

If Dan and i were on that show, though, they would have to call it: The biggest non-losers who are not afraid to suck it up and eat cake unlike you pussies show. Yeah, that'll sell.

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