I lost my digital camera somewhere, somewhere in the house. This is maddening, not least because I already spend several hours a day cleaning the house, and now I have to do additional cleaning, moving dressers and beds to see if it fell behind something. The thing about cleaning to find something is you never know when you're going to be done. Because, obviously, duh, you're done when you find it. I know there are mothers in Gaza who are wondering whether all their children will live through the night, and it seems silly for me to cry over a digital camera that lost INSIDE THE HOUSE, but yesterday Elijah sucked on a pacifier for the first time and it was so stinking cute, the first of my babies to ever take a pacifier, and I couldn't record the moment because I couldn't find my camera. At the end of the day I broke down in sobs because I felt like his babyhood is slipping away with no way to record it, and I cried on Dan's shoulder, "I just wanted to take a picture, because he looked so much like a baby, and WE'RE NOT HAVING ANY MORE BABIES!!!!!"
I haven't got my period yet, but put a metal device all up in my uterus and I'll totally act like I have my period.
This week has been very emotional for me. It could just be the cramping bringing on odd associations; it could be that I'm adjusting to this new reality, coming to terms with the fact that being on birth control means that we won't get pregnant unless we really want to, and maybe that means that we won't get pregnant again ever. This would be totally rational. Three kids is enough and all that fits into this house at the moment. Plus I'm tired of being fat and tired. Tell that to my emotions who are not rational and groping for a constant influx of digital photographs as if they're some kind of security blanket.
Insert horribly adorable picture of Elijah here to break up the blog post. I would if I had my camera!
There are plenty of wrong reasons to get pregnant. I could get pregnant because I fear entering into a different life stage that I might fail. I could get pregnant because I don't want to go back into the workforce and I want to have a continuing excuse. I could get pregnant because I have some self identity tied up in raising young babies, and I don't know who I am without an ergo on, or I don't want people to look at my body and think anything other than "that is the result of children." I could get pregnant again because my relationships are failing and I want someone (briefly) to unfailingly love me. I could get pregnant again because PINK TUTUS, I want a shot at pink tutus and burdening a female child with our culture's boat-load of oppressive gender stereotypes.
What would my hair plus Dan's hair look like if it were long??? We'll never know...
These are all wrong reasons to get pregnant. There is only one good reason: If everyone in the family feels like our family isn't complete. If there is a hole in our family, if there is a person-shaped hole in all our hearts, if we all decide that we want it all over again, the time-suck and the sickness and the sharing of parents in favor of sharing our lives with another person, then yes I will do it all over again. Otherwise this IUD is good for 10 years and my fertility probably isn't.
If I birthed my babies ten years in the future I'd have the frequency-emitting tracking tags on our things. In the future parents won't wonder "Where is the camera?" or "Where is the lovey?" The iPhone will send out a pulse and tell us. It will be magical. But unfortunately, I can't live in the future. As I am learning this week, for so many reasons, I CAN NOT LIVE IN THE FUTURE.