the ghost of cool is haunting my dreams
Last night I dreamed about Neil - that his death didn't "stick" and he came back to life through some metaphysical technicality. In my dream everyone threw him a party at an industrial warehouse and we were all doing shots and they didn't even taste that bad. I guess that's my hope for the afterlife, really. That binge drinking will be more palitable.
Neil's funeral service was two weeks ago, but whenever I think of it I still don't believe it really, because it's so unfair, it's like trying to convince your brain that chocolate is bad for you or that the Hills is fake. I went to the service at the Douglas funeral home in Lexington, and the place wasn't big enough to fit all the mourners. 50 or so chairs filled up. They brought in more chairs. Those all filled up. People lined the hallway outside, filled the adjoining rooms.
I couldn't see into the service, so I spent the time staring in turns at the wallpaper and the back of a young lady's very mod patterned dress. My mind wandered to thoughts that were stunningly narcissistic. Who do I recognize? Is everyone dressed cuter than me? Good thing I weigh the same I did in high school. That way when surprise things like funerals come up, I don't have to starve myself for two weeks in advance.
In my dream I was going to this resurrection party, and I was all psyched that Neil was back, but also I was concerned about who I would sit with. Would I know anyone? Would anyone talk to me?
I've thought about a lot of things in the wake of Neil's death. One is that maybe I should outgrow some of my fitting-in anxiety. After all, if there was anything that Neil's life exemplified it wasn't giving a fuck. I could stand to inherit a little bitty bit of that.
down at the farm
a real son of the soil
A mixed couple of weeks at the squibix farm: peas and beats are coming up beautifully and the tomatoes are almost ready to go into the ground, but I also forgot about a tray of basil and lost thirty-two baby basil plants (and two-odd weeks of basil-planting time). Also, as predicted, the spinach almost entirely failed to come up.
One of these years I'm going to really get organized so everything gets in the ground when it should. I'm also someday going to have screened compost so I can prepare proper seedbeds, because that's sure not something we have going on now. Today I sowed some more carrots, collards, and chard, and though this time I did take care with the job the fact is that my soil—made mostly of a little proper compost and alot of composted sod—is kind of lumpy. I read somewhere that carrots are hard to grow, so all of a sudden my success of last year is looking like a fluke; I don't want to take carrots for granted!
In other words, we're still working on things in what time we have available. Harvey had fun this afternoon playing with a couple of new trucks (new to him, straight out of a neighbor's trash yesterday!) and eating more dirt than I might have liked, but less than I might have expected. He sure looks cute out there. Even if we don't manage and vegetables we can take credit for growing a good baby.