Happy Birthday Jake!
A few days ago, my brother turned 21. This occasion was maked by him being in Las Vegas and me neither calling him nor acknowledging his great right of passage in any way. I thought of calling him in the morning, but what with the time difference, i knew he wouldn't be awake unless he was still up from the night before. Then later in the evening i though of calling, but the probability that i would reach a drunk brother at the other end of the phone repulsed me to no end. When you think of your brother being drunk and in Las Vegas with his girlfriend, there is only a very small neuron-leap to thinking of your brother and the possibility that he might be having sex at the exact moment you want to call and wish him a happy birthday, and even if the chance is only 10-to-1, are you really willing to take that risk? I'm sure not! I will have to welcome my brother into adulthood in a fashion that involves my continued denial that he is an adult. My parents have pulled it off with me for ages!
If you'll ever speak to me again, Jake, happy birthday. Especailly considering your impending hangover, it's all down hill from here.