Cheap Thrills
There is a reason that Ikea is cheap. Actually, there are several reasons: their IT system of just-in-time stocking, massive economies of scale, and the most sketchy tax evasion scheme i've ever heard of in which a for-profit merchandise company masquerades as a non-profit. But for the non MBAs in the audience, there is only one reason you care about for which Ikea is cheap: you have to put the g.d. s--- together yourself!
This is not so much of a problem for a resourceful former girlscout and former Lego enthusiast. It is a problem, however, when they GIVE YOU THE WRONG F---ING PIECES!!! But i'm getting ahead of myself; let me tell the whole story.
We left Rascal with my mom yesterday afternoon to venture to the city-on-a-hill which is the Ikea theme park. We who have lived in California had already tasted the sweet particle-board seduction that is Ikea, but this being the first store in Massachusetts, some East-coast uninitiated were skeptical.
"Are you sure you have enough money to buy a dresser?" My mother asked. Little did she know.
45 minutes later, we got off the exit to Ikea, which conveniently is signaged like the airport. This way to Jordan's furniture; this way to Costco; stay in this lane for Ikea. And to think, just last year all this was unproductive flood plane! Don't you feel better served, Stoughton? I mean the parts of the town that aren't underwater this week?
Anyway, we walked into Ikea and the first thing we saw on SALE display was a wood armoire perfect for storing coats and keeping Rascal from eating our shoes. 79 bucks. I wrote it on the list with the golf pencil. An hour later, we had chosen a dresser for $79, a coffee table for $25, and a matching end table for $16.99. Those good at math will realize that this adds up to exactly $200 minus a penny, for a dresser, a coffee table, an end table, and an armoire. See mom? lots of my unemployment check left to spend on the crack cocaine.
Ikea is set up so that you get your furniture yourself, in lots of long flat boxes that you can stack on top of your car. Then you take it home and follow the very simple pictorial directions. Easy peasy! Voila new closet!
Unfortunately, sometimes even Sweden makes mistakes, and halfway through the armoire set-up, Dan realized that the left side wall and the right side wall were actually the right side wall and the right side wall, and Holy S---, you can't put together with something with two rights, unless you want to make an airplane. (HAHAHAHAHA! i repeated that joke for a full two years before i actually realized what it meant!) Incensed, i called Ikea.
"Thank you for calling Ikea customer service, this is Lisa, how may I help you?"
"Hi Lisa, this is Leah. I purchased a KIRKENES armoire yesterday, and setting it up this morning it seems that i was given two right side walls and no left side wall, so that i cannot finish assembly."
"Okay, just bring back the incorrect piece and we'll give you the correct one."
"I have to bring it back? But the store's an hour away! Can't you sent it to me?"
"We don't send individual pieces, i'm sorry."
"Well, this is really a pain in the ass. I have an armoire half set up in my living room, and now i have to drive an hour back to the store to get a different wall?"
"You can return it if you want to."
"I don't want to return it, i want it assembled in my living room. Is there anything else you can do?"
"You can just bring back to one wrong piece and we'll give you a new one."
"S---. This is really a pain in the ass!"
Don't you love my negotiation tactics? What does someone gotta do around here for an offer of conciliatory sexual favors? Or a freakin gift certificate?
The KIRKENES half installed on our living room carpet, Dan bit the bullet and offered to drive back to Ikea with the incorrect piece. I called back to see if there was someone else to yell at.
"Thank you for calling Ikea customer service, this is Derek, how may I help you?"
"Hi Derek, this is Leah. I purchased a KIRKENES armoire yesterday, and setting it up this morning it seems that i was given two right side walls and no left side wall, so that i cannot finish assembly."
"That's fine Leah, you just bring the incorrect piece back and we'll give you a new one."
(Derek sounded nice and also Black, and for these two reasons i didn't want to piss him off."
"Thank you Derek. Do i bring it to the returns department?"
"Yup, just bring your receipt with you."
"Thanks Derek, you have a nice day."
"Thank you for calling Ikea"
So Dan is on his way right now to Ikea, and either Lisa or Derek BETTER offer him a gift certificate or sexual favor for all his time and trouble for a g.d. armoire. Or at least some free meatballs. Or lignin-berry cheesecake.