The difference between a rut and a grave...
... is the depth.
Or whatever that means. I woke Dan up at midnight last night screaming "I've been poisoned!!!" I had a lump in my stomach so big i could feel the bulge carving stretch-marks into my skin. "It's just stress" Dan said, as if in my ultimate wisdom my body's best defence to strain is shutting off all digestion of food products. What with being poisoned last night, and keeping Dan awake with panic attacks the night before, if i don't quit my job soon we might never sleep again. Then again, if i do quit my job soon we might never eat again, and i don't want to wrestle over which is more important.
Truly, the job is not that bad, other than the slow murdering of my soul part. Yesterday anouther beautiful marketing piece was met with zero appreciation, and 100% "i-see-typos-which-don't-exist-because-i-have-no-understanding-of-the-english-language." Apparently my boss does not recognize the existance of the posessive tense, which constitutes a cell-phone call in the middle of the day on my day off to say,
"Leah, we have big problems with the brochure. It says 'Steven Edward Jewelers Gallery's Anniversary Sale' and that extra apostrophy-S is a typo."
"It's not a typo; that's the posessive tense. It's our party, posessive. You would say Leah's party, not Leah party."
Pause... "No Leah, that's the correct grammar. There's no apostrophy-S because it's a proper noun."
My entire educational career flashed before my eyes, and instantly i wanted to kill myself.
I tried to relay this frustration to my parents at dinner later in the evening, but i forgot that they come strictly from the "suck-it-the-f----up" school of sympathy. I remember why i moved away, far far away, but in the end there was no getting away from the overbearing architects of my discontent. OMG, that sounds so angsty!!! I should totally start wearing black and writing on my arm! "No Way Out, NO WAY OUT" HA HA, that would be a scream!
Poor poor rascal, poor poor danny
Dan called me at work today to let me know what he called "the big news." I braced myself for catastrophe; whenever someone preps with "big news" my first thought is "who was hit by a car?" or similarly "who's pregnant?"
No, the big news was that Rascal rolled in poop: wet, smelly poop. He was so disgusting (completely covered in green and brown gop, says dan) that dan had to towel him off outside the house, then pick him up in the towel, then give him a bath inside, and STILL everything smells bad, including Dan himself. I have not yet smelled the damage first hand, but from dan's account it sounds like we're going to have to burn hippies in our house for weeks to de-stinkify the place.
Unfortunately, the way dan told me the story i laughed so hard that i spit on myself. We all have our trials, i guess.
Not like funny Ha Ha...
(Wherein members of my family understand none of the allusions, and hard-core internet geeks say, "You read dooce? that's sooooo lame.")
My favorite blog, dooce.com, recently introduced advertising so overpowering that i am tempted to look for a new favorite personal complaint diary. Other than my own, i mean. Still, i can't blame her; Heather's husband had to quit his job from the daily waking up daily with migranes (which i can thoroughly understand) and since Heather has like the second most popular female blog in the universe, after Miss Huffington of course, she's now attempting to support her entire family Utah purely through internet self-published ad content.
Makes me think, Hey, i write everyday. more sometimes, in fact. Why can't the squibix web get thousands upon thousands of readers daily? Who also want to learn about unique web shopping opportunities? Is it the lack of funnyness? too much funny sad and not enough funny ha ha? Talk to me people! I can tell jokes! (That's not what your mama told me last night!... no wait...)
Brugger's 10-4-05
A couple walks in with a todler who is pulling on her father's arm:
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I have to go to the bathroom to change my imaginary baby."
The mother looks at her husband matter-of-fact-ly: "We have to go to the bathroom to changer her imaginary baby. We'll be right back."
I exchange smiles with the father. "She's gotta start somewhere," he says.
10K, 100% hurting
I ran a 10K on Sunday. That's 6.2 miles of fastness, for those of you who can't do math in Europe. Here are my results:
LEAH A--------D 51:33(total time) 8:18 (pace per mile)
This morning when i checked the results online, i was surprised to find that i had improved from last year, when i had, you know, trained up and stuff.
Last year:
LEAH BERNSTEIN 54:35(total time) 8:47 (pace per mile)
The big difference, however, is that while last year i felt healthy and full of life after the race, this year i feel completely broken and unable to take stairs without spreading my legs into a penguin walk. To the public, however, i refuse to let on. I still jogged this morning.
Because i'm CRAZY that's why!
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Tom's girlfriend is HERE! Not HERE here, but here in the United States here, and for someome from Africa that seems pretty close indeed. Tom and Nelly (Nellie? how is her name spelled anyway? OMG, i am a bad sister) they are coming for thanksgiving, et je ne peux meme pas attendre, which means i can hardly wait, in the frenchness, which the whole speaking of might be helpful for me and not for others and don't YOU wish you wasted four years of your life on a french major so you could share the wonders of JLo with your brother-in-law's gf, huh?
Seriously, though, i wish i could muse longer on whether or not i will completely humiliate myself, like when i was in France and i was telling Letitia that i felt stupid but i really said that i felt like a slut (je suis con, quoi, as opposed to je suis conne.) but unfortunately i have to WORK MY ASS OFF this week, for a big party we're throwing this weekend and DOES NO ONE REALIZE IT TAKES WORK TO ORGANIZE A PARTY??? everyone thinks i do nothing but sit on my ass and read the newspaper, meanwhile i am doing everything from displaying about a THOUSAND new pieces of jewelry to cleaning the freakin window sills that collect soot from the heater. I need a new job.
Pursuit
Leaving our friend's house last night, our friend who is proactive and went to a job fair yesterday.
Dan: Good luck on the job search!
Friend: Yeah, you too. Good luck on the job hunting.
Dan: Oh my type of hunting is more like that of an undersea creature. I wait patiently crouched in my little burrow until a job floats by, and then POUNCE! I snap it up. I'm the Moray Eel of job hunting.
workaholic chocoholic
Today is my store's big One-year-anniversary-event. WHY AM I WRITING ON THE BLOG AND NOT WORKING??!!!??
I arrived here at work at 8am, and the event ends at 8pm, so today i will work at least 12 hours. Being a manager, i am exempt from those pesky labor regulations pertaining to taking breaks and being compensated for my time above 40 hours. I do, however, get cookies. lots and lots of cookies.
Back to the all indignation diet
Leah: "Dan, look! My hips have exploded! Do you think i'm fat?"
Dan: "Not THAT fat"
Leah: (silence and heartbreak)
Dan: "You look cute in that outfit."
Leah: "Don't you mean to say: I don't look THAT bad?"
Dan: (silently) women!
Leah: (silently) harumph! men!
let sleeping dogs do what?
We have started to let the puppy sleep in the bed with us. Two reasons for this: 1) he is getting too big for his crate, doesn't like to sleep in his big cage, and a new crate would cost like 50 bucks, and 2) cuddling with us in the bed is Rascal's most important job in this household.
Since he got used to used to us, little Rascal likes to close the day by falling asleep with us in the bed, all cute and cuddled up at the end of a hard day. What an indignation to wake him up and shove him into his small little box.
So for the past two nights we have let Rascal be our bedfellow. In the middle of the night the puppy climbed up onto my pillow and in my groggy state i couldn't figure out where to put my head back down and needed to wake up Dan. ("Dan, look where the puppy is.....what should i do?") Still, it's the sweetest thing in the world to be asleep and feel a hot little puppy head plop down on your neck. Dan's only complaint is that I took up half the bed, the puppy took up anouther quarter, which left Dan hovering at the farthest sliver of the mattress. Plus the puppy mostly cuddled me and kicked Dan in the face. that's okay; our future children will like dad better.
e-mails from my moms
Arriving in my inbox today from my two moms... who are very different from each other.
From Judy:
It was nice to talk to you last night. I will be praying for you today that
you will feel God's presence and approval...
Love, Judy
From Beth:
How is Rascal? Does he have lyme disease?
Where my shallow grlz at?
Can you even BELIEVE Lisa was kicked off America's next top model????? She took the best photos HANDS DOWN. I call this a conspiracy against white people.
Tyra, you know you try'n to be white yo own self. stop firing the real whities, biotch.
I heart starbucks and girls with eyeshadow
This morning waiting in line, the barista asked the woman in front of me what she wanted, after asking the woman in front of her what she wanted, after asking the woman in front of HER what SHE wanted, and then he turned to me and wispered across the counter:
"Venti soy latte."
Was it the cold morning, or was i actually blushing?
Similarly in the rhelm of stupid things that make me feel fuzzy, yesterday i met with an advertising rep who was wearing so much eye makeup that she looked like a newborn fawn. Style-network-esque, i told Dan later, "It really opened up her eye!"
As depressed as i am these days, latte and signing contracts make it feel like Christmas.
South Beached Whale
Just for "Fun" i weighed myself yesterday. Surprisingly to mathemetitians, but unsurprisingly to people who have seen my in my underwear recently, I have gained some weight. All in all, weight gain since the wedding = 15 lbs, or ( let's see... 15 = z/100 x 115) 13% of my total body weight. I GAINED 13% OF MY TOTAL BODY WEIGHT IN UNDER 3 MONTHS!!!!!!!!! Disgusted much? You SHOULD be!
So i started the South Beach diet, which is Floridian for "Why on earth are you starting a diet the week of Thanksgiving, retard?"
It promises the loss of 8 or more lbs in the next two weeks. You know what else will happen in the next two weeks? I will find out if i got into Grad School! Oh the waiting, the cruel cruel purgatory!
USA's gross-me-out day
happy thanksgiving. This is the busiest shopping weekend of the year, and i am frantically preparing. Not preparing to shop myself, or even preparing food, lord knows, but PREPARING THE STORE, AT MY JOB, WHERE I WILL BE WORKING ALL FREAKIN HOLIDAY WEEKEND, JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU LOSERS WHO ARE BRAGGING ABOUT THE FOUR DAYS OFF WHO DON'T REALIZE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN A SLAVE-DRIVING INDUSTRY CALLED RETAIL WHO WORK AND WORK AND WORK AND WORK SO THAT YOU CAN SPEND ALL YOUR LOSER MONEY FROM FRIDAY TO SUNDAY SO STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS LONG WEEKEND, A--HOLES!
In between long stretches of working burtal amounts unpaid overtime, i get tomorrow off for a whole day dedicated to stuffing myself full of sickening amounts of food.
This country is gross.
How i know he loves me...
Last night Dan took Niquil, which means a tornado tossing witches shouldn't be able to wake him up, and yet in the middle of the night when i make the slightest snivel of tiny-sounding crying, my loving husband wakes right up.
"ZZZZZZ-- What's wrong?"
"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"That's okay. What's wrong?"
Sometimes i think God wants me to do something, but i don't know what it is."
"That's okay, just keep doing what you're doing."
"What i'm doing? You mean like sleeping?"
"yes...sleeping....ZZZZZZZ"
I love that little guy.
Leah's Xmas WishList
1) Grad School acceptance letter
2) The money to pay for Grad School.
No, seriously, for people who know me, here's my Christmas Wishlist, for real, in order of expensiveness:
1) (for Dan to buy) A Laptop Computer, with a windows operating system, and as i have already told Dan, IÌll be happy to pay for it, I just canÌt bring myself to pick the f-er out.
2)What i really want more than anything else in the material world:
the T-Mobile Sidekick II, Juicy Couture limited edition
This device is $400, available only online at Tmobile.com, and someone can buy just the device, leaving me to pick out and pay for the phone service plan.
Did i mention it's pink?
Did i mention it's the COOLEST THING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
3) 4) and 5) these can all be purchased at nike.com:
3) Nike seamless winter training hoody $75 style#211712 size S/M color black or rose
4) Nike Heritage Graphic Pant $60, color white, style#250892 size Small
5) Nike Winter High Suede Boots $80 Style #311959 pink or white, size 7
hmmmm, i think that's all i can think of right now. I also want a new fridge and an elyptical trainer, but those are are more gifts to pray for, not ask for. (oh lord, won't-cha buy me a new fridge to replace the one that leaks heat and keeps breaking every time you open it up.)
On the upside, i have a lovely husband and a perfect puppy, and who could ask for anything more.
Black Friday! No it's NOT the plague!
HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY!!! Much more exciting than thanksgiving, this is the shopping holiday that traditionally puts retailers yearly balance books out of the red and into the black. For us, however, that's more likely to happen NEVER!!! but that's okay, it's still just as hectic and scattered here at the store, and i am anxiously awaiting our opening in an hour an a half....
Last night was thanksgiving at my mother's house, featuring mystery guests, dessert joined by the A-------d clan, and LEAH'S SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER!!!!! These days i am convinced that absolutely no one likes me, that everything i say sounds stupid or retarded, that i look like a fat ugly slob, and that everyone is murmuring these things under their breath. My parents are disapointed by my life choices, my brother in law hates me for being a sell-out, his girlfriend thinks i'm pushy and annoying, and my own husband is only tollerating my presence until i straighten up and lose that f-ing 15 pounds i put on since our numptuals. Am i making these things up??? MAYBE! Who knows? They're true enough in my head to send me vomiting in a corner at the thought of meeting new people. Maybe what i need is an airport bench on the beach.....
On the plus side, i am completely ready for a busy day at the store, what with eating 15hundred pounds of carbs last night and completely obliterating my South Beach diet that was going so well... Not. Bring on the customers! Maybe this year i will get still more women asking me when the baby's due!!!
OMG, i almost forgot!!!
daddy: "I just heard, and i want to offer you my condolenced."
Leah: "Why!!??? What happened???!!!"
daddy: "Jessica"
Leah: "Jessica who?"
daddy: "Jessica Simpson..."
Leah: "Wha... they didn't..."
daddy: "I'm sorry, but Nick and Jessica broke up."
Leah: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I'm sorry Nick and Jessica. I loved you both together, but you will be very irritating to me apart. I will morn the loss by finding a different celebrity endorsed lipgloss.
Leah: "You couldn't have waited until after thanksgiving to tell me???"
Holy Discount Batman!
This evening Dan and i traveled to the mall to bask in the glow of the beautiful TMobile Sidekick. He had only heard stories about the wonder of portable internet surfing / picture taking / email writing with a full keyboard / looking snobby device, but Dan had never seen the magic upclose. We had the intention of waiting for Christmas, and I was holding out for the pink version (only available online) until the store salesman told us of the expensive hassle of changing over the phone number, and the expensiveness of the pinkness alone, and that only this weekend they were having a $100 off sale, which is a lot of dollars, especially off.
And so all of a sudden, it was mine! I bought it! The beautiful TMobile Sidekick 2, with full color screen, AIM, Outlook appointment book, and super-posh awesomeness. Impulsiveness = the only way i do anything. But this time the devil whispering in my ear was Dan, and what he said was, "You should get it. This thing is really really cool."
A note on poor sad Nick and Jess
I loved the Nick and Jessica show. loved it sooooo much i made Dan watch about a hundred episodes in order to trick him into thinking he loved it too. It was a good show because they were wholesome to watch: Nick and Jess, though uneducated and bypassing the necessities of common sense, were sweet, loving, and attentive to eachother.
Now that they are divorced, however, all has changed. No longer are they the oasis of marital sanity amidst the sea of hollywood promiscuity, the glimmering hope amidst America's worshiped pantheon that monogomy is both satisfying and profitable. Jessica will date skeezy players, Nick will judge wet t-shirt contests, they will revel in becoming part of the "scene" like everyone else, and we will quickly get fed up with them, just like we're fed up with everyone else: Brad, Angie, Kirsten with the ugly teeth, MK, and yes even you Lindsay, i'm sick of you all being self-centered prats; skeezing around with every greecy TV upcomer; it's no longer (here comes the most important word in the entire state of California) ENTERTAINING.
I'm no prude, but these people are my default peers and idols. I'm tired of them getting snobbier and snobbier, sluttier and sluttier. What is this, the 80s? Can't ANYONE think 15minutes into the future? I'm tired of you this second, just like i'm tired of my hair extensions. Sorry, DIVORCE! I'm really big this season... I need a lover who's got a pilot out.
Who are you, QUEEN ELIZABETH?
(Ok, i give in. i did watch that thing on PBS. Maybe it's not them; maybe i'm just getting too old for this.)
No such thing as a free brunch
One of the bad things about the holiday season is that i sometimes have to work Sundays. One of the good things about the holiday season is that i sometimes have to work Sundays, attached to a fine-dining inn, which conveniently displays its sunday bruch buffet no more than 10 feet away from me. Fruit, pastas, breads and pies. It's the best finger food in town, because if you take it with your little fingers, it's yours!
As i was leaving church this morning Dan said to me, "Do you want me to bring you lunch later?"
"No, honey. Free food Sunday."
"Oh yeah. HAVE FUN!"
I still haven't found...
A great sadness fell over me yesterday, as i realized that now that i have a puppy sidekick, and a sidekick sidekick, i have everything i ever wanted. Every single thing i pined after and longed for, i now have. Months of whining for a puppy and weeks of saving for a new phone, and while the electronic toy is awesome, and the puppy is fun and loving, i still cannot shake the shadowy feeling that my life is empty, meaningless, dull, and depressing. I even colored my hair and learned how to use a flat iron. No go. Wherever happiness and fulfillment is, i'm so not there.
What do other people my age do to combat this feeling of emptyness? More drinking? But drinking is carbs and i'm on South Beach! Maybe it's the whole unfulfilling job / life-is-work-until-you-die thing that's getting me down. Solution? work be more fulfilling but no toys and fashions? work be more profitable but suicidal yearnings? Help me out here, God. I've been being Good forever, and if my reward is only in heaven, then i'm sick of waiting.
blah blah blah blah blah
Doesn't Dan write on this blog anymore?
I'm so sick of reading my own posts.
I'm so sick of listening to myself complain complain complain... I bet everyone else is sick of listening to it too. OMG, is this the second stage of major depression? Self-loathing? When i can't stand to be in my own presence anymore? Well hurray, at least we're getting somewhere.
No seriously, i'm like a complaining fountain. WORK SUCKS, MONEY SUCKS, LIFE SUCKS... blah blah blah blah blah. Put a cork in it already, wouldya? NO ONE CARES! If you hate your life, leah, it is because you yourself are completely retarded, mrs i have everything i could ever want la di da but i'm still miserable why won't anybody listen to me where is Paris Hilton when i need her she can understand my pain.
I read the other day about frontal labotomies. Sometimes they cause brain hemorages and death, but otherwise you come out WICKED ZEN! If my brain is broken and is the root of all my suffering (OMG, Budhist anyone?) then tear it out "better to walk around like a vegetable than to go to hell with a full frontal lobe" or something like that. OMG, has someone been reading the bible? That reaks of "trying." If i were God i would totally be bored with me already. I mean with leah, not God. Arrgh! confusing pronouns!!! I'll never get into school if i forget everything i learned for the GMATS!!!!!
Why so manic today Leah, did you drink coffee? No, just trying to figure out my life when faced with the bleakness of an uncertain future and the holiday season. Blast you sidekick for eating up all my gift money! When i drop dead from randomn stress-induced brain hemorage, i want to be burried with you to see if i can get service from the grave. What? Out of area? Curse you T-Mobile!
lest my complaining lead you astray...
I have the most wonderful husband in the world, because this morning he made me lunch and cut the soy cheese into perfect bite-size pieces to go into my yummy tummy.
i heart soy cheese.
i heart my danny.