the squibix family blog

When Zion sneezes, the blog catches a cold.

Hi Leah- Sorry life's been rough, but at the same time I'm glad to hear there's someone else out there who feels as insane as I do this Christmas. ;) Every bloggable advent post seems to turn catastrophic in my house. I actually found myself crumpling up my kid's artwork and tossing it across the room and saying, "We're watching TV now!!" It occurred to me this morning that maybe Christmas might still be able to be good even if I don't work so hard to make it so. In the mean time, definitely take that hour off or two or three!

Oh My goodness LeAnna, your story gave me a laugh out loud moment I really needed. You should have seen my house after I let the kids make birdseed ornaments with me... I was like, "Next time I want you to do a craft, I'm just doing it myself!!!"

You are one sick beast.

How could you curse those babies like that? Are you mad? Those beautiful, blessed babies? You use filthy sexual terminology against?

And praying? What part of you can be a christian or not even Christian. Lets not even go there. What part of you represent sane healthy motherhood. Child services should be called on you. Filthy sick perverted animal!!!!

You had you right to make children. And you blog about it like if it is something routine or fire-trucking NORMAL.

Hey FRAN, sorry I didn't see your comment to approve it right away. I feel bad... a response like that should have gone up without delay! There was no censorship involved, I assure you, just incompetence.

Also I really like "fire-trucking" as an expletive.

But on the other hand, I wonder about the level of anger you're showing in response to Leah's really pretty innocuous post. Swearing (which seems to be what you're most upset about?) doesn't need to be a problem—it's only your societal-conditioned response that makes it one. The kind of anger that would lead you to curse someone the way you're doing is much worse for the violence it brings into the world—to say nothing of bad grammar!

Oh shut up about grammar, you silly, oblivious man! You have more imperative and serious issues to examine than looking for 'grammar' in a hastily written, distressed comment.

To begin with, do you know the definition of 'fucking'? Look it up then ask yourself, if such obscene expletives are applicable, in any form or shade, to an innocent child. Cloak it, if you will, under benign ‘swearing’ but the context is not ‘innocuous’. You may verbally ‘fuck’ your peers, with impunity, but when you ‘fuck’ the babies, we are ‘societally-conditioned’ to recognise this as a MARKER of deep problems.

I deal daily with the terrifying effects of troubled parenting. I am ‘societal-conditioned’ to KNOW that when a parent can look at a 5-years old child in a moment of annoyance and spit out something like

'You fucking (copulating) whore, why are you so much fucking (copulating) trouble?'

then something bad is happening/ will happen to that child.

That ‘something bad’ may involve speedy catastrophe or long-term damage leading to a mentally/physically/emotionally mutilated individual.

I came to this blog in search of blogs on 'homesteading'. There is really little about homesteading but the blog fascinates me for other reasons. The dominant voice (your wife's) is a cry for help. She appears to be a train wreck waiting to happen. May god have mercy on the babies.

Good heavens!

I'm amazed and shocked that this post generated these two comments from two different people... marge and FRAN, did you get directed here from the same source? Most of our audience knows us already, so for those who don't I'll let you in on a little secret: we exaggerate for effect. It's supposed to be funny. Also we're moderately well-educated and do, in fact, know that fucking, in its most literal sense, means (copulating); but of course everyone knows that it's used in many more senses than that. We call nobody names, unlike both marge and FRAN, because the Bible is pretty clear on that:

"But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire. (Matthew 5:22)

We're not angry at anyone, which may be why our train is, at least so far, firmly on the rails. (We may be on a very underused branch line, for sure, but on the rails nonetheless!)

As for the non-question in your post, Marge, for more homesteady content feel free to check out the tags for farming, crafting, preserves, chickens, homeschooling (though it's early days on that one), and how about homebirth too? Or look to the bottom at our links and visit Root Simple, a very well-written homesteading blog with very little profanity.

And if you're truly fascinated, marge, we'd love to continue the conversation. This comment may have seemed a bit defensive, but that's maybe justifiable since you did call me silly; but on the whole we're all in favor of the open exchange of ideas!

I'll take the prayer for mercy for my babies. God should definitely have mercy on them, amen.

As for the rest of the stuff that curses me, I break that shit off in Jesus' name.

Oh man, things are getting all exciting over here, this week. Here's some unsolicited opinions:

1. Leah, amen. You are awesome. I add my prayers to my own on your last comment. Let it be so. I appreciate the difference between "I lost my cool and said X" and "I recommend that you all lose your cool and do X". I can also relate with losing my temper with my kids, and wishing things had gone better in various situations.

2. Dan, you're a gentleman, a scholar, and also awesome.

3. Fucking is pretty awesome (cut me some slack, I'm married and stuff, its cool)

4. I said that just to be provocative. "Firetrucking" is awesome, I meant. I'm breaking social norms for emphasis, by using words that are not in the Bible. I'll never look at a fire truck the same way, so thanks for that.

5. If you use a word that rhymes with a swear, for the purpose of making me think of the swear in my head, isn't that pretty much the same thing?

6. And who was talking about whores? Did I totally miss that post? Is there a whore tag I can click on?

7. Now I'm mocking, and I'm not sure if thats ok. Sorry. I'm not name calling, though.

8. marge and FRAN, you might be awesome sometimes too. Its hard to tell. Clearly you are shocked and appalled, and I can relate with that, but you've come out swinging with the judgment stick here. How about a little civil discourse and polite disagreement? My only suggestion would be less internet usage, and maybe more (copulating).

Luke, you make me laugh.

I don't want to jump into an argument with anyone, but still for the sake of argument I feel like I should point out that there's a difference between swearing at my kids and swearing in the same room as my kids. Calling my kids "fucking monsters" (which I didn't do) is quite different from calling Thomas the Tank Engine a "fucking show" which I did do, because it was when they were screaming about it.

Also, to quote not the bible but my favorite movie Mean Girls: "You have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores, it just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores."

Wow! Bless you guys and your blog. The only people you come down hard on in this space is yourselves, which makes it a pretty safe and gentle space. And funny and interesting. That's not easy in the judgey world we live in. So bless you both and your blog.

Wow. I'm glad you linked back here.

The comments here are so much more better than at my blog, which makes me wonder if I should start using words like, "fucking."

Honestly, I love Squibix, because you guys are real, authentic and creative to boot. Parenting is one of the hardest things in the world. You guys are not trying to show us a picture of perfect parenting (as if such a picture even exists), but rather two people who are doing their best to love their kids and love Jesus. Yes, sometimes life gets the best of us, but that is the nature of life. If we can't laugh about it, and laugh at ourselves (while occasionally dropping a few f bombs) then life would be just so grim and depressing. Blessings to you all.

Thanks Darren. The nature of life indeed.

Oops, and I should have said: Thanks Jo too! I'm not used to getting so many comments at once!

Sex sells, Dan. Even when you're not talking about sex.

I will add my two cents on the side of Fran and Marge.
Going on a fucking tirade with pre-schoolers on the
receiving end is a basic no-no.

I think I get why your so-called crazy commenters
were so angry. Its the Newtown massacre effect. People
are beginning to believe that questionable parenting
behavior is no longer the internal business of the family.
They are realising it can have massive effect on the community - on their loved ones and their own precious darling children. And they are lashing out in judgment and rage at what they perceive to bad parental decisions.

You are anti-violence yet the manifest violence of
your expression (when irritated by the young ones)
remains hidden from you. I personally cringed at the high voltage
"It's a fucking show! What's the matter with you two that
you can't stop screaming and fighting during a
four-minute fucking show!!??"
If I EVER hear my ex-wife speaking to any of my children
like that, the fight for sole custody will be epic. To me, it is verbal child battery but that is only my humble opinion.

The two cents of an objective reader and father.

Here's the thing, Emil. We too cringe at the "high voltage". That's why Leah wrote about it. And I can see why you feel there's violence in that level of intensity. But have you never yelled at your kids at all? Do you not threaten them with punishments, and escalate conflicts beyond what's reasonable and rational? If you don't you're some kind of a super-parent.

That said, I will bet you ten million dollars that none of our children will ever kill another human. We preach and practice active non-violence, and while we do get angry and yell sometimes we also treat our kids as humans and apologize to them when we let our emotions run away with us. We work actively to give them autonomy and agency, and we try constantly—through teaching and our own example—to help them grow into moral beings. Our morals may differ from yours, but that doesn't mean you can accuse of fostering future mass-murders.

As well as that accusation being pretty out-of-line, by the way, the idea that "questionable parenting behavior is no longer the internal business of the family" makes me very nervous. Whose business is it? The government's? The church's? Some collection of self-appointed busy-bodies who think they know better than everyone else? If my kid ever actually does anything wrong—that is, anti-social—then maybe you can talk to me about it. Until then keep your visions of thought-crime and your sense of superiority to yourself. And watch your own kids; children of divorced parents are statistically more likely to get into trouble (I don't know of any comparable research on parental profanity).

Not, of course, that I think your kids will end up killing dozens—in fact I think your marital status is entirely your own business and would not in the least suggest that you would have been better off staying in any particular relationship. I guess I'm just not the preachy sort.

Also, are any of you guys checking back in here? Or is it just shout-and-run? We do welcome conversations (and we think this is all so exciting!).

The conversation.

Here's the thing, Emil. We too cringe at the "high voltage". That's why Leah wrote about it. And I can see why you feel there's violence in that level of intensity.

Excellent!

But have you never yelled at your kids at all? Do you not threaten them with punishments, and escalate conflicts beyond what's reasonable and rational? If you don't you're some kind of a super-parent.

You do not get it. “high voltage” was assigned to the virulent, out of place, age-inappropriate content of response, not voice amplification. Illustration: shouting “SHUT UP” to a toddler is not the same as “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

That said, I will bet you ten million dollars that none of our children will ever kill another human.

Nonsense! Such assurance is fundamentally without guarantee (and backing, I’m sure).

We preach and practice active non-violence, and while we do get angry and yell sometimes we also treat our kids as humans and apologize to them when we let our emotions run away with us.

Excellent.

We work actively to give them autonomy and agency, and we try constantly—through teaching and our own example—to help them grow into moral beings.

No comment.

Our morals may differ from yours, but that doesn't mean you can accuse of fostering future mass-murders.

The accusation was not made. Clarify with a simple re-visit of the previous comment.

…the idea that "questionable parenting behavior is no longer the internal business of the family" makes me very nervous. Whose business is it? The government's? The church's? Some collection of self-appointed busy-bodies who think they know better than everyone else?

A number of well-defined “questionable parenting behavior” have always been the business of the state, when they are brought to its attention. Not cursing, though.

If my kid ever actually does anything wrong—that is, anti-social—then maybe you can talk to me about it.

Your kid/s doing “anything wrong” is TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY NOT the issue, at hand. Rather, the focus is on your troubled/tired wife publicly proclaimed, inappropriate verbal castigation. This is viewed as incrementally damaging to the blameless babies.

Until then keep your visions of thought-crime and your sense of superiority to yourself.
You made me laugh here. Ok.

And watch your own kids; children of divorced parents are statistically more likely to get into trouble.
Ok, thanks.

(I don't know of any comparable research on parental profanity).
There are studies on verbal abuse.

Not, of course, that I think your kids will end up killing dozens—in fact I think your marital status is entirely your own business and would not in the least suggest that you would have been better off staying in any particular relationship. I guess I'm just not the preachy sort.

No comment.

Also, are any of you guys checking back in here? Or is it just shout-and-run? We do welcome conversations (and we think this is all so exciting!).

It is exciting? Shock and dismay generated by the public relations of toddlers being cursed is a source of excitement? Perhaps you think of raising the ante resulting in increased traffic to the sleepy blog and escalated excitement?

This exciting ‘conversation’ has reached its end. My two ‘superior’ comments have served their purpose or not.
Take care.

You too! Nice hearing from you.

I came and saw. Not much to add to what already said.
Not as bad as told. The mother appears a little .. uh
but father is moderately reasonable, even courtly.

As you wondered, there is link to your site from a
private facebook page. There is a discussion
on toxic vs wholesome parenting, as presented on
public blogs. There, the comments are
overwhelmingly bruising, so it fortunate that
you see it not.

One of the wholesome counterpart sites is
http://www.thefrugalgirl.com

Thanks, Joanne! That's awesome: I love being a case study. We really were wondering where the attention was coming from, because there wasn't a noticeable spike from any particular source, and the urls Google Analytics gives from facebook and twitter links are useless.

More topically, I wonder how many of the people considering us as toxic parents looked at more than this single post. Did they see that Leah quit her job to be home with the kids? That we spend a tremendous amount of time together as a family, eat dinner together every night, make home-made toys and clothes, allow the boys—the timid older one and the fearless younger—tremendous opportunities to explore? That we go to church every Sunday (Leah and I both teach church school), pray daily at home, and do prayer walks with the kids for the neighborhood? Yikes! It's a good thing I don't need the approval of a bunch of anonymous folks on facebook to know that I'm a really good parent.

There is a bigger conversation that we could have over how much the "wholesome" parents are just emphasizing the positive aspects of their lives, whereas we talk about both the positive and, obviously, the negative. What I wonder is, does doing that have a poisonous effect on parents who sometimes struggle—as we all do!—and who worry if they're doing ok? But clearly no one over there is interested in that as much as they are in judging!

I am so sorry to contradict but surely there are things which should be condemned? The littlest ones, they are so fragile, so defenceless, so sacrosanct in their innocence. Yes? Obscenity thrown at them menaced decency; it is like casting a mantle of corruption over that which is pure. To some audience, this hurts, although they may be strangers.

Right, now no more on that! Your failings were made the text for some very passionate and soul-trying remarks. Yes? I am sorry the condemnation has been repeated, ad nauseam, here and elsewhere. The point is acknowledged. One may move on. Yes?

You are right. I have scanned quickly through your site and there is much good, much care, much effort. It is sad the iffy outbursts unbalanced, destabilised the atmosphere of love. This brings me to the real reason I engage with you.

The women, the stay-at-home mothers, they do get weary with unrelieved mothering. The four-walls subjugate. Time-out, a bit of rescued space to commune with other adults or with the self, is vital. I am persuaded facilitating periodic breaks for the wife affords equilibrium, eases the fatigue and, perhaps, the build-up of frustration and ill-health. Yes? I am sorry if the advice imposes but your doings were placed in the public sphere, so one hopes it is allowed, without offence.

I do wish you and your family many blessings. Bye now.

Vassiliza, thank you for those observations. What follows isn't addressed to you specifically, but generally:

Two points. First, if you're interested in condemnation for little things, then we could offer some too—just in different areas. But more importantly, we try to keep that in check, because the bible is pretty clear on the subject of judging. For all our "concerned" commentators, have you taken a look at what's in your own eyes?

Vassiliza, your comment is spot on; I absolutely agree that I and other moms like me should take breaks. Because I stay at home and because I practice Attachment Parenting, I spend a lot of time with my children. Some moments are absolutely beautiful and some moments are exhausting. I think that's part of what I try to capture in this blog (I mean the totality of the blog, not this singular post). Since the blog is an ongoing flow of reflections readers can see from day to day the joys and struggles of parenting. I don't try to be an example of what others "should" do, certainly other people have different personalities and children with unique personalities, and everyone has a pretty strong idea of what folks "should do" — I don't need to add to that.

Comments are closing on this post, but we still welcome everyone's input on this discussion! Email us or post an off-topic comment to another post if you have something to add... or just wait for the upcoming post on the subject of "toxic parenting"!!