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sleeping and not

It's been a hard two days of partying for Harvey. He's been so overstimulated by extended family and rich food that both nap time and bed-time today entailed a lot of tears. Then pleading, then screaming, then more tears. Of course, Dan handles these tough put-downs with aplomb while I sit on another floor of our house grinding my teeth. I'm terrible at holding Harvey while he screams. I'd rather have him spend an hour grinding my nipple raw with his new molars, which of course is what we do on difficult days when Dan isn't home.

One reason I haven't given up nursing yet is that it's my best way of getting Harvey to sleep. There are other reasons, too, like the fact that he loves it, that he's soothed by it, that I like the resting time together, and that there doesn't seem to be a compelling reason to cut off something so mutually beneficial. But also, the sleep. We'll need him to go to sleep on his own eventually, but every day feels like a bad day to try something new. Especially something that takes so. much. screaming.

All in all I am extremely hesitant about changing our sleep situation, because despite some difficult evenings (like last night - see the opening comment about rich food and overstimulation) Harvey seems to be sleeping well with only 1 small wake-up in the night. I too sleep well knowing that he's safe and sound next to me. I wouldn't even consider changing anything - I'd probably co-sleep forever - but for the new baby on the way in 6 months or so. Logic says that the little one will displace Harvey from our bedroom, and that means training Harvey to go to sleep in another room in another type of bed.

If I could, my secret wish would be for my whole family to sleep in one bed every night. I know it's impossible, which is why it's my secret wish, and maybe the more I say it out loud the more silly it will sound to me and the more I'll give it up. But really, I cannot imagine that I'll ever sleep soundly otherwise. Ever since I was a child I have been terrified of nighttime, sleep, and my house in the darkness. If someone is not in the bed breathing next to me I believe there's a better then even chance that they're dead.

Part of having children is loving them so much it breaks you, and then letting go of them slowly slowly slowly, so it breaks you. I can't believe we are about to go and do it again. We must be batshit out of our minds.

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